1) Reasons Why Folks Adopt

Adoption is not always a second-place trophy to family building. Yes, many couples turn to adoption after years of infertility, but that does not make it a second rate choice. Some families adopt prior to having biological children, while some adopt after. Families adopt for many different reasons, but all have two things in common–the love of children and the desire to provide them with a forever home. Adoption is a life’s calling, and families discover it at different stages in their lives.

2) Adoption Culture

Adoption comes with its own culture. Adoptive families tend to look at life, family, and children differently than biological families do. They realize blood is not the only thing that makes a family. Love makes the family. Each family celebrates adoption in its own way and with their own traditions. One of those traditions is day unique to each adopted child called “Gotcha Day” or “Adoption Day.” It is a family holiday to celebrate the day the adopted child joined their forever family. Sometimes adoptees retain various forms of communication with their biological families. Adoptions can be open, closed, or semi-open in communication. When a family adopts a child, whose nationality or ethnicity is different than their own, the adoptive family will often retain parts of the child’s ethnic heritage and incorporate it into family life. Adoption weaves together individuals and cultures to form a family.

3) Adoption Terminology

Becoming familiarized with adoption semantics can be very beneficial. Not only can one converse intelligently with members of the adoption community, one can avoid comments that are offensive. Here are a few words/phrases to avoid:

• References to the child being their “own” child. In the eyes of the parent, as well as legally, the adopted child is a much the adoptive parents’ child as any biologically born child.
• Since children are priceless and it is illegal to buy/sell children, please don’t ask “how much you paid for the child.” Adoption fees are for governmental fees, birth mother care, and agency/lawyer fees.
• Children are “placed” for adoption and not “given up” for adoption.
• Any ethnic or cultural comments about a child’s appearance are bad juju and can make a person seem racist.
• The concept that “once a family has adopted they will become pregnant” is uneducated and very rude. 

4) Adoption Is About The Child

A prospective adoptive parent may want a child and go to great lengths to bring one home, but the adoption process is not about them. Every background check, every doctor visit, every home visit, every talk with a social worker may make it seem like the process is all about the person adopting, but it is not. Adoption is finding loving, forever homes for babies, children, and teens. All the hoops that must be jumped through are to ensure that the child is indeed going to a good home.

5) It Can Be Tough

Each family, who opens their hearts to a child, opens themselves to heartache and joy. They have fought valiantly to earn the right to bring that child home. Some families wait years for a child to come home. Some wait only a short time. Some adopt children who come from traumatic places. Adoptive families have dealt with rude and cruel comments from their own families, as well as from strangers because adoption sometimes looks strange to those who build their families traditionally. Adoption is not easy, but every family, who has journeyed into the adoption world, will say that it is worth it…and they would do it all over again.

Knowledge is power. That power will enable a person to be compassionate towards families that adopt. Bringing a meal or asking how one can help them will do more to encourage the adoptive family as they transition.

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1) It’s not about you

Yes, you want a child and are going to great lengths to bring one home, but the adoption process isn’t about you. Every background check, doctor visit, home study, or talk with a social worker may make it seem like the process is all about you, but it isn’t. Adoption is finding safe, loving, forever homes for babies, children, and teens. All the hoops you jump through before bringing that child home is so those placing the child know that the child is indeed going to join a good family.

2) Regulation and requirements

Every state and county has its own set of adoption regulations and guidelines. Navigating these can be tricky, but you can check your state’s online websites to see what the general requirements are. Social workers or adoption lawyers will know what their state and county will ask to be done. It is also important to understand that an inter-state adoption will require meeting the requirements of each state involved. Do not let the massive amount of information overwhelm you. Rely on your social worker or lawyer to help you along. Trust them, and learn all you can about the process, because one day, you might be able to help other hopeful adoptive parents.

3) It is going to be tough

From paperwork to placement, it can be hard. There is a crazy amount of paperwork that you will need to read and sign. The decisions that you will need to make prior to being approved to adopt will blow your mind. Take a long look at your preferences and know what you can handle. Do not let anyone guilt you into changing your preferences. You alone can determine what you can handle. The wait for a potential match can seem terminal. The matches that aren’t made and the interrupted adoptions can cause much heartbreak.

Some people are not going to understand. There are always those people who just do not get why you want to adopt. When you know that God is calling you to adopt and you know method he is wanting you to adopt, do not let anyone try to sway you. Cling to the calling like a dog clings to a bone. You will most likely face adversity from people you least expect to be unsupportive. Put your hand to the plow and do not look back. 

4) Other Family

Be aware that sometimes there are more people involved than just you and your adopted child. Usually, there is a birth family who may want to retain some form of contact with the child, whether it be letters and pictures or actual in-person visits in neutral locations. The level of contact is usually discussed prior to placement of the child. While this agreement is not usually legally binding, it is always best to try to honor any prior agreements with the birth family as long as it healthy for the child. It is important to understand that once the adoption is finalized, you are the child’s legal parents, and you have the right to decide what is in the best interest of your child. If the relationship becomes unhealthy or unsafe, you as the parents have the right to pull back. Regardless of any situation, you should always try to refrain from negatively speaking about the child’s biological family

5) Tell the Truth

It is always right to tell your child that they are adopted. From the time they come home, speak positively about the concept of adoption. If the child is very small, keep their story in the most basic terms. There are many ways to positively spotlight adoption even though the child may come from a hard place. As the child grows, add in more details to their story, saving the hard stuff for when they are old enough to understand. Do not shy away from your child’s questions about how they came to be and how they came to join your family. Honesty is always the best policy.

6) You are not alone

The adoption journey can be grueling. It is important to remember that you are not alone. Hundreds of people before you have navigated the adoption waters; do not be afraid to call upon their expertise. The adoption community is vast and varied. You may not need to look far to find someone who has been touched by adoption, and you can find support from the adoption community.

Hopeful Adoptive Parent, do not be weary in well-doing. Eventually, you will reap the benefits of all your hard work if you do not give up. Consider all this to be like contractions and birthing pains. One day, it will seem a distant memory…and it will be worth it.

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