The first way to remove the “scary” factor from foster adoption is to really see your child. See their fear, their vulnerability, their needs, and their pain. You need to look past their behaviors and figure out what is driving their challenging behavior and difficult words. Look and see their potential, their need to be loved, and their need for stability.

The second way is to realize that a child who is adopted comes from a place of loss. In their life they have had at least one loss; potentially two or more. Sometimes foster children move around before they stay with their forever family. Sometimes children in the foster system have suffered physical or emotional abuse or trauma. More often than not, children who are adopted from the foster care system are dealing with a lot of baggage from where they’ve come. This baggage often causes behaviors that are difficult to understand. Sometimes these children have undiagnosed conditions such as FASD (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders) or RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). Those conditions may seem “scary” however, they are still children first, who need love and to be cared for. It’s not an easy job to parent a child with a disability, but these children need someone in their corner who is for them. Someone who is truly committed to them through the good and the bad. The bad will be bad, but the good moments will be amazingly beautiful.

The third way is to understand that in most cases it takes a team to raise a child. When raising a child who is adopted from foster care, it will likely involve more than just you. Children may be at various stages emotionally and physically and thus sometimes physical therapists, speech therapists, psychologists, behavioral therapists, psychiatrists, school teams, pediatricians, counselors and residential treatment centers may be essential to helping your precious child through life and in family life. As a parent, it is sometimes difficult to realize that our love for our child isn’t always enough, but it’s definitely needed, as it is the basis for why we advocate strongly for the additional assistance necessary to help our child succeed. These decisions can be extremely tough and stressful. As a parent, you advocate and you do what you need to do, to help your child; one step at a time. 

The fourth way is to put plans in place for the safety of the family if your child should have a meltdown. It’s important to understand that the meltdown is a cause of some sort of overstimulation or traumatic memory, not a reflection of how the child really feels about their adoptive family. Coach your child on ways to de-escalate and help them find strategies that work for them.

The fifth way is to research, read, and learn all there is to know about trauma and attachment parenting. Find other families that have adopted from foster care to learn about what you can do to help grow that bond between you and your adopted child. Be your child’s biggest cheerleader. Whenever possible, exclaim over and reward the positive.

And lastly, use humor and self-care to keep yourself in a compassionate and caring mood. Your child has been through a lot. They will spend time testing you to see if you will leave them or hurt them as they have been in the past. It will not be easy, and you will have to develop a tough skin to let their words and actions roll off of you. If you can take care of yourself–enough nutrition, exercise and sleep and a little respite time here and there then you will be able to deal with your child who is hurting in a more compassionate way. Always remind yourself that they need your understanding, your compassion, and your grace more than your disapproval and anger. Use humor to lighten the mood whenever possible.

Parenting is scary. You never know what will happen tomorrow. We’d like to have control over everything, but unfortunately, we do not. So why not face your fears and step onto the roller coaster? Most likely it will leave you feeling amazed and the exhilarating highs will outweigh any of the lows that you felt. There are so many children in foster care just waiting for you to face your fears and say yes. They will change your life for the better and you, in turn, will hopefully, change their life for the better as well. It’s often not easy and can be very challenging, but if you work to take the “scary” out of it, then you will see just how a child can thrive when given the opportunity. Are you willing to say yes?

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For much of Quin’s early years I experienced mood swings, anxiety, sadness, irritability, feeling overwhelmed, crying, reduced concentration, and trouble sleeping. Typically, these symptoms relate to post-partum depression. But they can also apply to post-adoption depression.

Here are some of the factors that went into my experience. You may find some similarities.

• The experience at the hospital with our new son and birth mom was difficult and intense.
• The period where our birth mother could change her mind was worrisome.
• The draining energy and shock of the dramatic sleep problems my son had.
• The realization of my son’s special needs and how this impacted our day to day experience.
• The great support from family over a distance made it hard to get help when we needed it.
• The lack of sympathy and understanding from our community about the adoptive experience.
• The loss of the experience around breastfeeding because of the limitations of my body.
• The natural inclination any child has for their birth mother that translated into confusion and frustration for my son.
• The typical strains of the major learning curve involved in taking care of an infant and young child 

All this and more culminated in post-adoption depression. No wonder I struggled.

The things that adoptive families experience have a weight that can get heavy. And it can happen to anyone regardless of the age of the child. Our tendency is to deny it when we struggle and think that we can handle it. I began to recognize my symptoms and take care of myself.

Doctors, counseling, medication, making changes and healthier choices all were part of helping me overcome what I experienced. I had to make some tough decisions about my priorities. I had to let go of certain expectations, ideals, and even my job. This isn’t to say that will be the case for everyone. But for me, focusing on my health and the well-being of my family was the best thing. If you are having similar experiences, I would encourage you to get help. Go at your own pace, but at the same time make sure to reach out.

The post The Truth About Post-Adoption Depression appeared first on Adoption Blog | Open, Reunion, Transracial, Journey & more.

1. Say ‘adoptive family’ not ‘she’s adopted’

To say, “she’s adopted” I am separating Chloe out and insinuating there is something different about her. It is true that she is adopted and there is absolutely no shame in that; however, to say instead, “we are an adoptive family” I am including my husband and myself so that as Chloe grows and starts listening carefully, she will understand we are all part of an adoption journey, not her alone.

2. Say ‘birth mom’ or ‘biological mom’ not ‘real mom’

Last I checked, neither Chloe’s birth mom nor I are imaginary. We both play critical roles in Chloe’s life, but one role is not more ‘real’ than the other. Using the term ‘real’ to describe the birth mom takes away legitimacy from the adoptive mother. 

3. Say ‘child’ not ‘adopted child’

Chloe is my child. It is really as simple as that. Yes, she is adopted and yes, she has an amazing birth mom who is now part of our family, too, but none of that changes the fact that Chloe is my child. I would not say to someone that she is my adopted child because that creates a distance between us. As she grows, I wouldn’t want her to refer to me as her “adoptive mom.”  I am “mom,” she is my baby girl, regardless of the circumstances that brought us together.

4. Say “placed for adoption” not “gave up”

The last thing birth mothers do is give up on their child. Birth moms struggle with their decision and ultimately break their own hearts so that their baby can be given a life they cannot provide themselves. The amount of selfless love that goes into this decision is second to none, and to sacrifice their own happiness for their child’s only to have society say they “gave up” is extremely hurtful, so be extra careful with this one.  

Although these phrases at first glance don’t seem too different, I hope you now understand the big difference they make to people in the adoption community. There is a great deal of emotion involved in every adoption, and something as simple as choosing respectful words shows us you understand that our families aren’t so different than yours.

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