1. Dear Birth Mother/Father

This is a must! You must address the birth parents in a sincere heartfelt letter. Pin this blog post so it is the first or one of the first that visitors see. Any agency, facilitator, or lawyer you work with will want you to have a letter to birth mother/father. Speak from the heart. It doesn’t need to be extremely lengthy, but you do need to know your audience. Talk less about you and more about them and their struggle with this decision.    

2. About you

Make a post dedicated to you. It’s even ok to make several! One about you, one about your spouse, and one about your relationship. You can include things like personalities, hobbies, careers, and what your role will be parenting a new child. You could write it about yourself or let your spouse write about you. And, include plenty of pictures here!

3. Why Adoption

It is important for a birth parent to understand why you are choosing to adopt. Have you always dreamed of adopting? Have you struggled with infertility? Were you yourself adopted and want to share that with a child? Birthparents want to know you are invested. This is their baby before they are yours, and they are choosing adoption out of love!   

4. Home 

Show off your home in this blog post! Write a few sentences and show pictures of the outside and main living areas. If you have a bedroom ready for baby show that off too! This is your home so include information about your community. Do you live on 20 acres with horses? Do you live in a subdivision with a pool? Do you live in a large city or small town? You can talk about all of these things without writing your address down or telling the entire internet where you live!

5. Faith 

If you are a faith-filled couple and want to share your religious beliefs, do so! Yes, this will scare some birth mothers away, but it will also draw in the birth mothers that are right for you! Share what denomination you are, what your church family is like. Some birth parents may want their baby raised Catholic or other specific religion.  

6. Adoption Relationship

It is important to be very honest with your view on the future adoption relationship. After you sign those papers and take legal custody for your child there are no rules about your future relationship with the birth parents. If you are wanting a closed adoption the birth parents need to know that going in. Whatever you decide open, semi-open, or closed should be in the forefront of conversation.

7. Promises To Your Birth Parents

This blog post is a little extra and could be different than what you have seen. Make a post dedicated to what you promise this birth mother and father about raising their baby. Promises of unconditional love, a stable home, and opportunity. Promises of family game nights, and always having a place to call home. Promises of guidance, discipline, and always knowing where they came from. Whatever you promise make it genuine and not fluff!

In the end, put as much information about you as you feel comfortable. You want the right birth mother to find you, and you are not looking for just any birth mother and baby. You are looking for YOUR birth mother and baby!

The post 7 Things You Must Share on a Hopeful Adoptive Parent Blog appeared first on Adoption Blog | Open, Reunion, Transracial, Journey & more.

The first way to remove the “scary” factor from foster adoption is to really see your child. See their fear, their vulnerability, their needs, and their pain. You need to look past their behaviors and figure out what is driving their challenging behavior and difficult words. Look and see their potential, their need to be loved, and their need for stability.

The second way is to realize that a child who is adopted comes from a place of loss. In their life they have had at least one loss; potentially two or more. Sometimes foster children move around before they stay with their forever family. Sometimes children in the foster system have suffered physical or emotional abuse or trauma. More often than not, children who are adopted from the foster care system are dealing with a lot of baggage from where they’ve come. This baggage often causes behaviors that are difficult to understand. Sometimes these children have undiagnosed conditions such as FASD (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders) or RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder). Those conditions may seem “scary” however, they are still children first, who need love and to be cared for. It’s not an easy job to parent a child with a disability, but these children need someone in their corner who is for them. Someone who is truly committed to them through the good and the bad. The bad will be bad, but the good moments will be amazingly beautiful.

The third way is to understand that in most cases it takes a team to raise a child. When raising a child who is adopted from foster care, it will likely involve more than just you. Children may be at various stages emotionally and physically and thus sometimes physical therapists, speech therapists, psychologists, behavioral therapists, psychiatrists, school teams, pediatricians, counselors and residential treatment centers may be essential to helping your precious child through life and in family life. As a parent, it is sometimes difficult to realize that our love for our child isn’t always enough, but it’s definitely needed, as it is the basis for why we advocate strongly for the additional assistance necessary to help our child succeed. These decisions can be extremely tough and stressful. As a parent, you advocate and you do what you need to do, to help your child; one step at a time. 

The fourth way is to put plans in place for the safety of the family if your child should have a meltdown. It’s important to understand that the meltdown is a cause of some sort of overstimulation or traumatic memory, not a reflection of how the child really feels about their adoptive family. Coach your child on ways to de-escalate and help them find strategies that work for them.

The fifth way is to research, read, and learn all there is to know about trauma and attachment parenting. Find other families that have adopted from foster care to learn about what you can do to help grow that bond between you and your adopted child. Be your child’s biggest cheerleader. Whenever possible, exclaim over and reward the positive.

And lastly, use humor and self-care to keep yourself in a compassionate and caring mood. Your child has been through a lot. They will spend time testing you to see if you will leave them or hurt them as they have been in the past. It will not be easy, and you will have to develop a tough skin to let their words and actions roll off of you. If you can take care of yourself–enough nutrition, exercise and sleep and a little respite time here and there then you will be able to deal with your child who is hurting in a more compassionate way. Always remind yourself that they need your understanding, your compassion, and your grace more than your disapproval and anger. Use humor to lighten the mood whenever possible.

Parenting is scary. You never know what will happen tomorrow. We’d like to have control over everything, but unfortunately, we do not. So why not face your fears and step onto the roller coaster? Most likely it will leave you feeling amazed and the exhilarating highs will outweigh any of the lows that you felt. There are so many children in foster care just waiting for you to face your fears and say yes. They will change your life for the better and you, in turn, will hopefully, change their life for the better as well. It’s often not easy and can be very challenging, but if you work to take the “scary” out of it, then you will see just how a child can thrive when given the opportunity. Are you willing to say yes?

The post Why Foster Adoption Isn’t Scary appeared first on Adoption Blog | Open, Reunion, Transracial, Journey & more.

Great Wall China Adoption

This blog is hosted by a non-profit organization called Great Wall China Adoption. They work with the Chinese government to find forever families for more than 8,000 children. On this blog, you can find updates about China adoption, news and children recently matched. This organization can help you throughout the process of international adoption.

No Hands But Ours

This blog was started by a mother of 13, nine of whom are adopted from China. It was started to help families who adopt children with special needs from China by providing resources and support. This blog is dedicated to informing, educating, and supporting families who have, or are considering adoption.

The Journey to Jillian 

This blog is written by a mother of five children, four who are adopted from China. Her blog covers a host of topics from the journey to getting the child from China to stories and pictures of the children now.

Finding Mei Mei

This blog is written by a mom who has adopted one child from China. She began the blog by sharing her family’s journey to China, but now she focuses on giving updates about her daughter.

Chinese Children Adoption International

This blog is written by an organization called Chinese Children Adoption International, an adoption agency that is dedicated to placing children from China in forever families. They share information about waiting children, stories from families who have adopted, and information about resources for post-adoption.

The post 5 Great Blogs About China Adoption appeared first on Adoption Blog | Open, Reunion, Transracial, Journey & more.

So, what do you write about in an adoption blog? Different people write different things. For me, I wrote about not just the logistical steps and paperwork details, and “why” we were waiting for “xyz” thing to happen, but I also wrote about my feelings, my frustration sometimes, my longing to be united with my son, adoption poems, and bits of notes that I had written directly to the son I was yet to be united with.

So, here’s a list of nine things that you can write about on an adoption blog. This will help you get started.

Remember, you don’t have to write a lot. A blog post can be (and should be) relatively short. It’s more likely that people will actually READ it. Or it can be broken up into a series of “parts” if it’s a long story that isn’t feasible to tell in one fell swoop. You’re basically capturing a moment in time, or telling a story, or sharing something that you think others can benefit from.

So, peruse this list, and use it to get some ideas for what you’d want to write about. But, ultimately, the decision is yours. Make your blog what you WANT it to be. Instead of asking yourself, “What should I write about in my adoption blog?” ask yourself, “What do I want to write about in my adoption blog?” And that, ultimately, is your answer.

1. Write about the various steps in the process, as they happen.

This type of blog post is a fact-sharing post and may or may not cover the writer’s feelings or underlying thoughts behind what is going on. Here’s an example, taken from my friend Laura and Dan’s blog, Mainers in Maryland. In this excellent blog, Dan captured, step by step, what he and his wife went through as they navigated the adoption process and waited to be united with their son. In particular, read the blog post from Sunday, March 7, 2010, titled “Two Whirlwind Months.” Here’s an excerpt from it: 

“After receiving our referral, we scheduled a meeting with our social worker to discuss what we had to do for the next phase of the adoption. We met with her on January 15th. The majority of the meeting was used to explain the next round of adoption paperwork that we would need to complete. We also talked about some of the things we would need to do when we bring Zachary home (for example, writing status reports and a visit to our home from our social worker). After the meeting, we knew that our first priority was to get our paperwork completed as quickly as possible so that it wouldn’t slow down the process of bringing Zachary home. While the paperwork wasn’t as extensive as the initial adoption paperwork, there was still much to do. To give you an idea of what we had to do, here’s a list of the primary documents that we had to complete . . .”

2. Write about your feelings and thoughts.

Break it down: How are you feeling TODAY? As in, RIGHT NOW? Write about that. It doesn’t have to be long—a few paragraphs are perfect. Here’s a great example of that, taken from my own blog titled “Kath and Jeff’s Adoption Update” (creative, I know). Most of my posts are about my feelings, but, for a specific example, see the post from Wednesday, November 18, 2009, titled “Being a Mom, and Fixing Little Holes in the Heart.” Here’s an excerpt from it:

“[This week] is proving to be particularly hard for me. Grueling, actually. I’m not sure he’ll be home for Thanksgiving, despite my best efforts to remain positive and prayerful and hopeful. And I worry, now, about what it will be like, for us and for him . . . . and I just want to cry but will choose to smile and look forward to him, instead. Stay positive. Stay positive. Stay positive.”

3.  Write poems or personal essays on your adoption experience.

This is YOUR blog: It’s a perfect place to share the poetry you have written about your wait, the child you are waiting for, and (even after your child is united with you) your experience as a new parent.

4.  Write about, and provide links to, other people’s adoption blogs.

Find the blogs that you have followed up to this point. What adoption blogs may have inspired you to start your own? What did THEY say? What did THEY write about? Tell your readers about these blogs. Share the URLs. What a great way to give fellow parents some exposure and to give other waiting parents some great resources to read and share with family members.

5. Write about interesting adoption-related news items.

What is going on in the adoption community “these days” (meaning, the time of your blog post writing)? These posts can serve as a sort of “time capsule” for your child, later on.

6. Write a letter to the child you’re waiting for.

What are you thinking about? Share that with him or her. As your child grows up, this letter can be a cherished heirloom that can be passed down from generation to generation.

Your adoption blog is a literal chronicle of your journey to parenthood, your thoughts, your feelings. It’s a cyberplace that can help you cultivate your creativity as well as document the logistical steps of your adoption journey. Happy blogging!

The post 5 Things To Write About on An Adoption Blog appeared first on Adoption Blog | Open, Reunion, Transracial, Journey & more.

Adoption is often referred to as a rollercoaster ride. The adoption process is filled with a continual barrage of high and low emotions. When you’re trying to process all these emotions on a day-to-day basis it can build to a fever pitch. Writing about it helps to process the constant ebb and flow of the process. It helps me to process what I’m feeling and what may or may not be happening in the actual situation. Saying it “out loud” helps to release the anxiety, fear and even the anticipation, that can sometimes feel overwhelming and oppressive. Often after writing a blog entry, an article or even an email, I feel instant ease of tension and anxiety. As a natural planner, I always have a little anxiety in the process.

2. Connection 

Through writing, I have made a connection with so many people who are on the journey, considering the journey and done with the journey. It has helped me find people who I can help, who have helped me in immeasurable ways, and spreading knowledge, resources, and information is imperative in this process. Whether it be people in my neighborhood, or across the country, we have shared highs, lows, and resources. Books, webinars, even support groups via social media have been a lifesaver for me.

3. Comprehension

Being understood is important in life. Being understood in the journey we are on is imperative. There are days when all I have left at the end of the day is humor. I can find humor in the most disturbing things sometimes. Having someone I know that completely understands where I am, that it is relief. When I’m discouraged, I have support in knowing how to help me, what my child really needs, what the behaviors really mean. It’s a relief and a ginormous blessing to know that I’m not alone, that someone else gets it. Adoption, especially of children of trauma, can be a very lonely road. I am so lucky to have so many in my life who are ready at a moment’s notice to support, hug, and sometimes just hear me. No judgment. No frilly sentiments. Just understanding.  

The post Top 3 Ways That Writing About Adoption Is Therapeutic appeared first on Adoption Blog | Open, Reunion, Transracial, Journey & more.

Respect

When we were chosen to adopt our first son we met his birth mother shortly after being chosen. It was a great moment, but I noticed very quickly that she was embarrassed to share her story and to tell us the details of our son’s beginning in this world. As we were talking, I tried to reassure her and let her know that we did not judge her. Throughout our relationship it has been important to ensure that she knows that we respect her, her choices, and her fears. The same now goes for our subsequent birth mothers. They are all unique people with equally unique needs, but respect is paramount for our relationship. We have a special and respectful relationship with each of them.

Empathy

Just like anyone else, we find a lot of times that our birth mothers just want to be heard. Understood. I think it’s human nature to feel that someone truly hears you, cares for you, and listens. I have uttered the phrase “I don’t know” so many times, because I just don’t have an answer. There have been many times during this process that I do feel like we have parallel paths. Different reasons for being there, but the circumstances are similar. I can understand where they might have been, due to the circumstances of their own lives. Listening. It is powerful. 

Hugs

We are fortunate to live near two of our children’s birth mothers. There have been many times when I have gone to see them after a particularly trying time. Several times I have asked what they need. It’s often met with, “a hug”. The power of human touch—gentle, calm, understanding—heals the soul so often. So there I stand, hugging, hoping they can find the power to heal in that one touch.

Acceptance

While my children’s birth mothers make choices that I wouldn’t make, live lifestyles completely different than our choosing, it has been easy to be accepting. We have learned that we may never understand, but we can accept.  

Love

Just like adding children to our family, in adding birth parents, love takes time. But it does come. We have come to care deeply and try to show them love in small ways. It means a lot to all of us to be able to have the love between us. It will only build and strengthen with time. But it’s there, and it’s so very important.  

The post What Your Child’s Birth Parents Need in Hard Times appeared first on Adoption Blog | Open, Reunion, Transracial, Journey & more.

One, find your village! Seek out those around you who are supportive of your adoption journey. Surround yourself with them whether they be friends, family, coworkers, or neighbors. These will be the people you can turn to when you need to vent about the challenges, rejoice about the progress and any good news, or just have a conversation completely unrelated to adoption to distract yourself.

Two, turn to your faith in whatever way feels most comfortable to you. Some may find that reading scriptures, quiet pondering, and praying provides the ultimate comfort. Others may find that rousing worship hymns or a powerful service, sermon, or testimony is the spark they need to keep going.

Three, listen to uplifting music. Whether it be rock, rap, country, or jazz put on the tunes that bring a smile to your face and jam away.

Four, hold on to hope. This can be one of the hardest things to do, especially during the most challenging and heartbreaking moments, but it is probably the most important. Along with this is also the wisdom to remember that you are not alone on this journey.

Five, find a support group. There are a variety of adoption support groups out there both online and in our local communities that focus on everything from infant adoption, older child adoption, international adoption, and more. Search out the one that suits you and your needs the best. Can’t find one in your area? Create one!

Six, if you need help, ask! There is no shame in asking for help or attending therapy when you need it. 

Seven, invest in your relationships. Make it a point to reach out and connect with loved ones in whatever ways are most fun for you. Girls’ nights out? Spontaneous weeknight dates with your spouse? Focus on filling those relationship bank accounts for the days ahead where you might not have the same amount of time to invest in them once your family grows.

Eight, try out a new hobby. Is there something you’ve always wanted to learn or try your hand at? Now is the time! Sign up for a class or teach yourself.

Nine, prepare yourself and your home in ways that bring you comfort. For some this may mean reading adoption and self-help books, or attending workshops. For others it may mean journaling and meditation. Some may feel that deep cleaning and “nesting” are choices that bring them peace.

Ten, get moving! Exercise is a great way to boost your mood, distract yourself, and work out any frustration, anxiety, or sadness you may be feeling. Blast some tunes or listen to a podcast while you’re exercising to double up on some of these tips, and make the most of your time.

Eleven, don’t stop living your life! It is all too easy to become fully consumed with the process, and to just think about the next steps or all the things your want to do when you bring your child home. Participate in activities that bring you joy; travel, create, stay out late. Make a bucket list of things to do and work though the list crossing items off as you go. Try to focus on positive options that might be difficult to accomplish after you bring home a child, and relish in those moments as you create new memories.

While the adoption process is certainly no picnic, I think it’s worth remembering that this time “in the wait” can be just as special and sacred as the other longed for moments on this journey. It’s all a matter of your mindset and how you choose to fill your days! Hopefully, the eleven suggestions above will be a good starting point to get you on your way!!

The post How to Maintain Sanity in Adoption appeared first on Adoption Blog | Open, Reunion, Transracial, Journey & more.

The arrival or finalization of your child’s adoption is no less joyous an occasion than any birth and you have every right to shout it from the mountain tops! Or not. In the case of transracial adoptions, your adoption story is highly visible, and you’ll have ample opportunity to share. Or not. Additionally, your adoption story may be full of rainbows, sunshine, and lollipop stories that are easy to share. Or not.

We have found it to be true, in our experience, that the more transparent we are about adoption in more formal contexts, the better we are able to advocate for our children regarding their physical and mental health, as well as, their education. 

However, in regard to the general public, it’s all about timing, energy, and motive. There are times I’ve been asked about our adoption journey and I’m more than happy to give an earful of answers, advice, or anecdotes because I have the time and the energy. Some days I have neither of those, but I sense that the person asking is sincere in their motivation, so I’ll make an effort to converse. Then there days, I just want to get checked out of the grocery line, and get my kids home and into bed, so I can plop on the couch and eat the pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream that’s now melting in my cart. Those days, people are just flat out of luck. And that’s okay. I consider it a privilege to share my experiences or take opportunities to advise and educate others about adoption, but I do not consider it an obligation.

When it comes to adoption, like matters of sex, faith, or politics, you should only share when, how much, and with whom you feel comfortable. It is your and your child’s story to tell. Or not.

The post Why It’s Okay to Talk and Not to Talk about Adoption appeared first on Adoption Blog | Open, Reunion, Transracial, Journey & more.

For much of Quin’s early years I experienced mood swings, anxiety, sadness, irritability, feeling overwhelmed, crying, reduced concentration, and trouble sleeping. Typically, these symptoms relate to post-partum depression. But they can also apply to post-adoption depression.

Here are some of the factors that went into my experience. You may find some similarities.

• The experience at the hospital with our new son and birth mom was difficult and intense.
• The period where our birth mother could change her mind was worrisome.
• The draining energy and shock of the dramatic sleep problems my son had.
• The realization of my son’s special needs and how this impacted our day to day experience.
• The great support from family over a distance made it hard to get help when we needed it.
• The lack of sympathy and understanding from our community about the adoptive experience.
• The loss of the experience around breastfeeding because of the limitations of my body.
• The natural inclination any child has for their birth mother that translated into confusion and frustration for my son.
• The typical strains of the major learning curve involved in taking care of an infant and young child 

All this and more culminated in post-adoption depression. No wonder I struggled.

The things that adoptive families experience have a weight that can get heavy. And it can happen to anyone regardless of the age of the child. Our tendency is to deny it when we struggle and think that we can handle it. I began to recognize my symptoms and take care of myself.

Doctors, counseling, medication, making changes and healthier choices all were part of helping me overcome what I experienced. I had to make some tough decisions about my priorities. I had to let go of certain expectations, ideals, and even my job. This isn’t to say that will be the case for everyone. But for me, focusing on my health and the well-being of my family was the best thing. If you are having similar experiences, I would encourage you to get help. Go at your own pace, but at the same time make sure to reach out.

The post The Truth About Post-Adoption Depression appeared first on Adoption Blog | Open, Reunion, Transracial, Journey & more.

1.)   I Hope You Dance by LeeAnn Womack  

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,

Never settle for the path of least resistance

Livin’ might mean takin’ chances but they’re worth takin’

Whenever I hear the line, “livin’ might mean takin’ chances, but they’re worth takin'” I immediately think of all of the chances we had to take in order to become parents. Never easy, but completely worth it!

2.)   From God’s Arms to My Arms to Yours by Marie Osmond.

Now I know you don’t have to do this, but could you kiss him once for me

The first time that he ties his shoes or falls and skins his knee,

And could you hold him twice as long when he makes his first mistake

And tell him that he’s not alone, sometimes that’s all it takes I know how much he’ll ache.

This song is written from the perspective of a biological mom to an adoptive mom. It brings me to tears every time. It is an excellent reminder that our babies really are twice loved.

3.)   Lullaby In Blue by Bette Midler.

As the years go by, try not to think of us sadly.

Believe it if you can, I wanna see you so badly.

On your birthday, Mama’s thinking of you.

The child I never knew.

This one is written from a biological mom to the child she placed for adoption. It’s just a beautiful reminder that no matter the situation, moms never stop loving their children. 

4.)   Bless the Broken Road by Rascal Flatts.

But I got lost a time or two

Wiped my brow and kept pushing through

I couldn’t see how every sign pointed straight to you

I know this one is supposed to be about romantic love, but there’s only one use of the word “lover” in the whole thing. Every other part makes me think of the long, painful road we walked and how it all lead to our sweet girl!

5.)   With Arms Wide Open by Creed.

With arms wide open

Under the sunlight

Welcome to this place

I’ll show you everything

With arms wide open

Now everything has changed

I’ll show you love

I’ll show you everything

I think this one is intended to be about becoming biological parents, but every bit of it applies to how we feel about our adopted children, too: amazed, nervous, excited, and full of love.

6.)   Officially Alive by Brad Paisley.

It’s not the double kick of an ultrasound

Or a piece of paper on file downtown

It takes more than a beat and a breath and a name

It’s when you’re so in love and so in pain

This is my favorite part of this song, the last line, there. It so beautifully describes adoption.

The post 6 Songs That Have Adoption Themes appeared first on Adoption Blog | Open, Reunion, Transracial, Journey & more.